“I learned to appreciate life”

“Collect the joy of the day – writes Franco Arminio -/ you can always find some/ if you look around carefully”. In the rush of his days Gabriella Paganessi from Vertova, 48 years old, he often couldn’t find time for a meeting, a phone call, a break, a smile, a pinch of beauty. «It was the illness that taught me to appreciate every moment, paying more attention to details, and in particular it stimulated me to love people, with their strengths and weaknesses».

An awareness paid for at a high price, because Gabriella had to undergo surgery to remove a glioma, a brain tumor, and spent a year and a half in hospital and rehabilitation facilities, first in Milan, then in Pavia, far from her family and especially from the daughters, who are 19 and 15 years old. Only in the last six months, spent at the Quarenghi clinic in San Pellegrino, did she begin to recover and was discharged at the beginning of June: «I still have to face many difficulties – she explains – which are part of my daily life. It is not easy to get up in the morning and have to be assisted at every moment of the day. Even the simplest actions – like breathing, eating and walking – are tiring. This is why I understood how important it is to be able to grasp the positive things that each day gives me. It took commitment, and now I am finally able to do it, but in the first few months I wasn’t at all. Positivity comes when you begin to understand that – despite everything – life still has a lot to offer».

«It was the illness that taught me to appreciate every moment, paying more attention to details, and in particular it encouraged me to love people, with their strengths and their weaknesses».

In 2022, Gabriella’s days passed peacefully between her job as an employee in a medical center, the house and her two teenage daughters. «In autumn I noticed an unusual fatigue when walking, especially if I had to take the stairs. At that moment I attributed it to poor training.” When this malaise became evident, a colleague of hers noticed it: «she suggested that – she says – I look into the situation further with some follow-up tests. I thought I had some heart problem, but the first visits showed nothing, and in the meantime my ailments were getting worse.». Other signs that Gabriella had initially ignored completed the picture: «I had recurrent drops in my voice, a strange tingling in one leg, acute episodes of nausea and vomiting, but they didn’t seem connected to me».

She went to an ENT specialist who identified a vocal cord paresis and prescribed a CT scan to find out the cause.: «This is how the diagnosis of a glioma, positioned at the base of the skull”. An unexpected turning point, difficult to accept. «The specialist – continues Gabriella – after seeing the results of the exam sent me to the Besta in Milan, to the neurosurgeon Marco Saini, an expert in skull base operations, who in turn underlined the urgency of the operation, because unfortunately the tumor was extensive. So within a short time I found myself in hospital.”

There are patients who bombard the doctors with questions during the pre-hospitalization, Gabriella instead limited them to the bare minimum, so as not to exacerbate her concerns.: «I only asked if I would survive, and if my quality of life would worsen. But in reality I wasn’t really prepared for what I then had to face.”

He had taken into account a period of rehabilitation and the possibility of additional therapies to fight the tumor: «What I hadn’t foreseen – explains Gabriella – was the possibility of having to remain hospitalised for so long. There were unforeseeable complications: immediately after the operation, for example, I remained in intensive care for forty days due to a bad case of pneumonia.”

Once this first complex phase was over, she was transferred to the Maugeri Institute in Pavia, specialized in rehabilitation: «I had to undergo a cycle of 25 radiotherapies, very debilitating, even if they didn’t cause me pain. THEMeanwhile I started a path of physical rehabilitation and speech therapy, because the disease also caused me swallowing difficulties. I had pneumonia again, in an even more severe form. At a certain point, after a severe respiratory crisis, the doctors even summoned my family members because there was a possibility that I might not survive. Luckily they saved me and I’m here.”

With shining eyes and a voice full of emotion, Gabriella tells of her rebirth, made up of small daily victories: «I improved slowly, one day after another, facing

obstacles with a lot of patience. After months of hospitalization in Pavia, I moved to the Quarenghi clinic in San Pellegrino, which I already knew, because a relative of mine had been hospitalized there years ago. If before I had had to spend long periods of isolation, so as not to succumb to new infections, there I was finally able to have contact with other patients and for me it was very important. I met many people, younger but also older than me. I saw them struggling every day to achieve improvements, they gave me a great example. My family and friends have accompanied me throughout this journey, because I would never have made it alone: ​​they have always been by my side. I was able to personally verify that “friends meet in times of need”, I have never lacked mine, on the contrary, I discovered deep bonds of closeness and affectionsometimes they have surprised me in a positive way. I am grateful for everything I have received, because it has led me to change my outlook on life. Although the disease has taken away some of my abilities and has undermined my independence and personal autonomy, it has given me much more».

For example, the awareness that «no man is an island, complete in himself» as John Donne writes: «We never have time – observes Gabriella –, we take many things for granted that in reality are not. In my previous life I was always focused on work, I thought I didn’t have the possibility to dedicate myself to others and sometimes not even to myself.. Now I no longer want to give up the relationships I have rediscovered, on the contrary, I want to enhance them. In the future I would like to be even more attentive to my family and friends, to give them more space than before. I have discovered that I can give a different direction to my life. I have already committed to telling each one personally, expressing the immense gratitude I feel, clearing the field of resentment and misunderstandings, apologizing if it was necessary.

She realized how much loneliness can impact the condition of a patient: «I had many roommates – she says –. Some of them were alone for long periods, and this affected their ability to react and heal. Facing the disease alone is the worst thing, it is impossible to find the strength without having someone by your side. When I fully recover I would like to get involved in my community, where there are several associations, precisely to help people who are sick and without support. At the Quarenghi clinic I formed strong bonds of friendship and I realized how important it is to give even just a caress, a hug or a handshake».

Even in the relationship with healthcare personnel, empathy and human warmth can make the difference: «I started walking again a few months ago: when I managed to do it for the first time, my physiotherapist was moved, we cried together and they were liberating tears, they marked the end of a very dark period. Mutual trust helped speed up the recovery process».

Now Gabriella returns to the clinic for two days a week for physiotherapy: “This period has marked a rebirth not only physical but human in the fullest sense. Every day I notice some small progress, despite the fact that numerous difficulties remain, but above all I am serene, I have managed to give a deeper meaning to this experience. Now I want to enjoy every moment, even the simplest things, like laughing with my daughters.”

Two girls who grew up quickly during their mother’s illness: “I am very proud of how they overcame this very difficult year,” Gabriella comments, “facing challenges that perhaps they were not prepared for, just as I was not. They proved to be autonomous and independent.. I didn’t think I would be away from home for so long, yet they managed to manage the daily routine, looked after by their father and grandparents, and at the same time keep up with their school commitments. They came to visit me often, they gave me so much energy and desire to get better. The eldest has taken the state exam at the linguistic high school in Albino these days and I managed to surprise her, showing up in front of the school to celebrate her after the oral exam. Her smile repaid me for so much past suffering”.

The key word for Gabriella’s present and future is sharing: «The most beautiful thing for me was the connection with other patients, sharing successes and weaknesses with others. I also got closer to my faith, which I had lost over the years. I would like to reciprocate the help I received., alongside other sick people like me, alleviating their loneliness. I would like to tell those who find themselves in a similar condition to mine that we must believe in healing, and do our best to get back on our feet, without ever giving up and letting go. You have to look for a positive side in your path, because it certainly exists.”