Foster love story
«The history of our family is common to many other families that we have known and met on our journey. It is the story of a couple who wanted to have children but who, at a certain point, realized that they couldn’t have them. So we first followed a long and troubled path that led us to an adoption decree open to the reception of even more minors. Then, as we followed this path, we discovered what foster care is: we really liked it for its being temporary and significant at the same time for the minors who enter the family; in the end, despite the result of the adoption decree reached, we decided to abandon the path of adoption and to open ourselves with heart and mind to foster care.” Carlo, Elisa and little Francesco (fictitious names, ed) represent one of the 13,200 Italian families who have chosen to foster a child.
However, before delving into their story, it is important to understand the difference between pre-adoptive foster care and foster care: it is necessary to remember this because they are often confused in the collective imagination. Pre-adoptive foster care is an initial phase of adoption, of cohabitation between the minor and the adoptive parents which should lead to adoption. Family foster care, on the other hand, is the temporary reception of a minor who has a biological family behind him who for various reasons finds himself temporarily in difficulty in caring for his own child. The latest report from the Ministry of Labor and Social Policies (2021) highlights that the prevalent age group of children-adolescents in foster care is between 11 and 14 years old (29.8 percent); followed by that between 15 and 17 years (27.5); the percentages found among children aged 3-5 years (10.2 percent) and very young children aged 0-2 years (4.5) are much lower.
Francesco, when he entered Carlo and Elisa’s family four years ago, was 2 and a half years old: a lively child, full of energy, always looking for adventures. He arrived at the couple’s home shortly after the lockdown due to the covid-19 health emergency; it should have arrived sooner, Francesco, but the pandemic delayed the long-awaited moment. In this particular period, their parental creativity manages to transform the wait into a profitable period for them and for the child. Carlo and Elisa manage to communicate with little Francesco thanks to video calls: «In order to start building a bridge between us and him, we invented different ways of communication; the protagonist of this approach was a stuffed duck that we animated in front of the mobile phone screen. In doing so, a period that could have become hellish instead turned out to be very constructive.” Then, finally, Francesco enters the house. Elisa declares: «We often think back to the first time we met. It is a memory filled with a mix of very intense emotions: there was all the enthusiasm in us to start this slightly crazy but deeply felt and sought-after journey; to find out who he was, what he was like, this special little being that we would welcome into our family, but there was also the concern of taking care of him in the best possible way, of being careful, competent, delicate in entering his life” .
Then, finally, the meeting: two previously separate lives intertwine, merge into one unique love. Very often we have the idea that it is the child or adolescent who has to trust, while most of the time it is the foster parents who have to learn to trust. It’s a bit like the oxymoron of life. But what does it mean to have a child in foster care? «He means many things», comments Elisa. Responsibilities alternate with feelings: «It means accompanying him for the time in which he will be entrusted to us; welcome his story and with him the story of his family of origin; help him heal the wounds. But above all it means being loving parents, in everyday life: giving them the warmth and love of a family.”
Foster care is not an easy path, which is why it is also supported by some institutions such as Ai.Bi. (Friends of Children Association), a non-governmental organization founded in 1986 that works every day alongside the little guests in institutions around the world to combat the abandonment emergency, accompanying many families in the process of foster care and adoption. It operates in Italy with a national headquarters and twenty-five regional offices and information points in all regions; worldwide it is present in around thirty countries, in Eastern Europe, America, Africa and Asia. Elisa explains to us that «the support of the entire Ai.Bi. team is essential, especially educators and psychologists, together with the network of other Ai.Bi foster parents. with whom we discuss fruitfully the possible problems of Francesco’s growth; problems which in a certain sense are those of any developing child. Of course, given the particular situation, at times we also had to deal with some issues that were not exactly canonical.” Like for example when little Francesco, at the beginning of living with his new parents, thirsty for attention, during the inevitable outing to the park, “slipped” into other families because he was attracted more by adults than by other children ». He was looking for the hands of other parents, he was looking for their affection. Then – continues our interlocutor – “over the years he has understood that we are there for him”: a special bond was created and Francesco “has acquired greater tranquility and seeing him autonomous is a double achievement because it not only means that he is growing well but who feels safe knowing they can count on us.”
And it is on Carlo and Elisa that Francesco will most likely have to rely until the age of 18: this is the currently expected time of their foster care marked by biennial renewals. It is then natural to ask his parents how they see Francesco once he reaches adulthood: «Imagining him today at 18 is difficult. We simply hope for him that he can best channel his potential and become a nice person.”
Of Antonio Tarallo
