OfIrene Soave
They are called “solomor” and there is no prejudice: their figure is also told in children’s books. Thanks to state subsidies, which covers the costs of the first six attempts at assisted fertilization under the age of 40, more and more women decide to make a baby yourself
«They come from all over Europe, from Italy, from France, and they seem to have no idea what fertility is a clock: It has a rhythm, and then it stops. One in three of the patients who come here to conceive does not have a partner: she becomes a mother alone.”
The sun floods the Aagard Klinik, on the wall the names of those born in 2024
they form, on one leaf each, a “tree of life”. The environment is that is
idyllic; the words of Aboubakar Cissé, director of the clinic, are instead
rough. “Women should be educated better.”
One cannot answer that women in Europe are generally well aware of the clock and its ticking, that what they lack are nurseries, jobs, life partners: we are in Denmark, where welfare is legendary, the balance work-life a religion whose basic ritual is to reply at 8.01am to an email sent at 5.01pm the afternoon before, and 90% of citizens of childbearing age want “at least one child”. Yet the birth rate still struggles.
The issue is so central that Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen announced in her New Year’s Eve 2024 speech that efforts to cure infertility will doublewith six assisted conception attempts paid for by the State and also for the second child.
One in eight children in Denmark is already born with the help of in vitro fertilization; of these one in ten is the child of a single mother. All things considered, out of the 5 million Danes there are around 750 mothers a year: conceiving alone, with donor sperm, has been allowed since 2007, and it is a choice so accepted that there is even a word for it: solomor.
It means “lone mother”, but there is little that is solitary in the experience of these women. The site that groups them together, solomor.dk, has 2,300 members who give each other appointments, advice and friendship. The State, which has already paid for procreation and offers a year of maternity leave, discounts on nurseries and months of obstetric consultations, is providing concrete aid.
«It is important for women to feel that becoming mothers on their own is
possible» explains Lone Schmidt, director of the Department of Social Medicine at the Institute of Public Health. Among the most recent studies, a “very precise” mapping of solomors. «They are identical to all the others in terms of socioeconomic indicators, health, propensity for relationships. The only difference is their age: on average they are three years older, at birth, than women in couples.” They waited longer. What? The question is rhetorical. «The appearance of a man to start a family with. At an average age of 37 they equipped themselves.” Men too, according to statistics, want children. «But for them it is more important to have a solid position. So they wait.”
“No one says: we have few children, so you spinsters can have them too, but that’s how it is,” laughs Vibeke Havtorn, 35 years old. In her arms is Nils, three months old, conceived “on the second try, without difficulty”. We chat among the children’s shelves of the library in Lystrup, a suburb of Aarhus where every house has its own courtyard and every courtyard has its own swing, its own tree house, its own tricycles. A nursery school educator, «I take care of children up to three years old. I always thought I would have a child.” She lived in the city, and inflation squeezed her salary.
«My parents here in Lystrup had the same problems. I returned to
live with them.” The Havtorns now share a house: «the kitchen is shared, the rooms and bathrooms are divided. We have two separate entrances. When I got settled like this, I waited for the first day of my period and then called the clinic.” There hasn’t been a companion in Vibeke’s life for a long time, «and I won’t have one anymore. I’m fine, I choose everything, I’m the head of the family. I’ve been engaged, but now I don’t think I’m losing anything.”
In the library there are many illustrated books for children where there is only one parental figure. The bird born alone from an egg, the otter alone with his otter. For mothers, the forerunner is one of the first solomors, Signe Fjord, who in seven manuals tells of her journey as a single mother with a daughter who is now a teenager. Basic rules: full freezer, a network of friends, forgiving each other for mistakes. And sincerity: «With my daughter», writes Fjord, «I immediately spoke about my choice. I wrote her first book for her. Every child must know the story of her identity, and can tolerate it.”
Danish law is also advanced when it comes to “sincerity”. A sperm donor can choose to be available only to her child, and only when she is of age can the clinic or sperm bank communicate her last known address. Vibeke chose one that offered this possibility. «If Nils wants to do it I won’t oppose it, it’s his story. After all, the obligation that this man has is only a meeting.”
«We need a European donor register», invokes Jakob Axel Nielsen, CEO of Cryos International, the largest sperm bank in the world. «We ship gametes to 124 countries, and every year we count on the donations of 1,200 men. In 35 years we have contributed to one hundred thousand births.”
From computers it is easy to browse the entire catalogue. Vibeke had described this moment as «embarrassing: It felt like being on Tinder». Donors are classified according to dozens of parameters, from eye color to height: mothers are encouraged to choose a donor with a similar appearance to their own, so that the unborn child does not see himself as different from the only family he will know. «I then chose a donor who looked like my brother. After all, he is the one I go to when I need advice.” Nils, for now, is identical to her.
April 21, 2024 (modified April 21, 2024 | 2:39 pm)
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Tags: Assisted fertilization trip Denmark children conceived clinics single mothers year Women
