The 6 phases of the relationship in crisis. Which one are you in now?

There’s no denying: the end of a love relationship is terrible. Affirm that causes ache it is reductive because more than simple pain, it triggers anguish that can pervade different dimensions of life. Breaking up a long-standing relationship marks an interruption in one’s identity, the plans made, the way of daily living, as well as, obviously, the loss of the other. With that bond broken, the sense of belonging dies and they emerge all our vulnerabilities. Yes, the end of a story is a bit like a test, a careful examination of personal resources, because by re-emerging all the wounds (present and past), it puts the entire emotional strength of the individual to the test.

When we lose someone, our inner world comes shaken, as if overwhelmed by a terrible tsunami. It’s up to us to rebuild, it’s up to us redefine our identity and re-establish a new balance. A bit like what happens in all reconstructions, the end of a relationship, however tragic it may be, always gives us the opportunity to start again from ourselves, from what our new needs are and build a stronger foundation.

The 5 stages of the end of a relationship

When a story ends, even if the separation happens in the best way, old things can always emerge attachment wounds. The wound of rejection, betrayal, failure… Wounds that can activate (or reactivate) ancient beliefs about oneself, beliefs that sometimes resonate like this: «if the story is over, it means that I am not enough, that I am a failure, that I am useless, I am worthless, I have no meaning without him/her…”.

Shame, guilt, helplessness and fear emerge disruptive. Let’s make one thing clear: a story that has not come to an end defines your personal value. Your value remains intact even if you are alone. If that’s not how you feel, know that it’s because you’ve never had the opportunity to truly know yourself and define yourself as a complete person. Even if each story presents many variables, the turmoil it brings seems to trigger a trend composed of several phases. There is no linearity, the phases can alternate with each other and also recur in a cyclical way. Let’s see them together.

1. Ambivalence

This phase inherits one of the typical experiences of dysfunctional relationships: ambivalence. When we live in a relationship that doesn’t satisfy us, we often ask ourselves a question: Wouldn’t it be better to leave? A question that remains unanswered because, just as often, neither of them manages to take initiative. In this case, there is a good chance that the relationship will end when one of the partners finds a replacement or when unsustainable levels of discomfort are reached.

At the end of the relationship, the ambivalence is revealed with negative days, full of nostalgia, and positive days, in which happy with the loss. Often these two states coexist and the person still ends up experiencing conflicting feelings. There confusion spreads and you feel lost. To escape this sense of loss we fall into a cognitive error: taking refuge in memories. Here, any stimulus can bring to mind the ex-partner, shared episodes of joy and love. The time for memories will come, but this is not it. In this phase, rather, it would be useful to take stock of the situation, think about the direction the relationship had taken and how we were as a couple.

Reasoning about the couple does not mean wanting to make sense of everything. Things happen and sometimes all we can do to move forward is accept them. If you don’t understand the reason why the relationship ended, you can reassure yourself by thinking that things often slip through the cracks and it’s also normal. Unresolved question marks, obsessing you, will not bring your partner back, they will not give you a fairytale story. Just leave them unresolved, let them go.

2. Numbness

When a person holds uncomfortable baggage within themselves, at the time of the breakup, they may go through a phase of detachment from reality, in which she feels numb. The numbness, that feeling of «it can not be true”, generally lasts only a few hours, in case of pre-existing ailments, it can even last several weeks. You feel incredulous and numb, as if everything doesn’t make sense.

3. Search and humiliation

This stage occurs when we are left and do not want to accept reality. The other becomes an obsession and we live with the hope of a return. On the contrary, we implore for a return and we do everything to win him back, even humiliate ourselves. This dynamic occurs above all when the individual, with the partner, he feels he has lost a part of himselfit is clear that, in this circumstance, rather than love, the relationship was about a real one emotional dependence. This phase does not end with acceptance or resignation, but with the sense of a further one defeat and numbness. With further guilt and shame.

4. Anger

The relationship is held together by two people, both of whom should do their part to maintain the union. When you no longer look for blame within yourself, anger emerges. Anger is generally directed towards the partner: How could he do that? Anger can be even more disruptive when the detachment happens in the worst way possible. For example, a person may be left while already grieving or in poor health, or they may be left for someone else. In these scenarios, anger becomes persistent.

5. Sense of emptiness and pain

When the end has been ascertained, a birth is born feeling of emptiness, normal and physiological. From here we start to restart. Emptiness leaves room for pain and then vice versa. It is going through this stage that yes elaborate really what happened, this is where we can start to close the loop. The relationship ends but it really ends when the person is ready to go further. Going further does not mean throwing yourself into the arms of another, rather it means heal from pain, resolve yourself, heal your wounds (the fresh ones, just opened with the breakup and the older ones, which refer to one’s own history of attachment, to the shortcomings experienced in the past).

6. Acceptance

Pain, experienced and experienced, understood and assimilated, can open the doors to acceptance. And this is the point of no return. If in all the previous phases you could go back and relive feelings of guilt, anxieties, fears… when acceptance occurs mature, there’s no going back and that’s a good thing! Accepting does not just mean taking note of the lost good, of what has been, accepting means listening to one’s emotions, looking reality in the face and reorganize based on it. Here emerges a concept very dear to psychology but always treated with too much superficiality, that of resilience.

Resilience indicates the ability to cope and positively reorganize one’s life following a traumatic event. What positive things can a breakup do for you? Think about it. You are alone with yourself. At the end of the day, you have you and you are the most precious possession you have in this life. A breakup can bring out old wounds and this can give you a way to get to know yourself better. What can your injuries tell you about yourself? What can your pain tell you? A breakup, if well managed, can be cathartic, can give you the greatest opportunity for rebirth. Because yes, you are born twice, the first time when you come into the world and the second time when you start to know and love yourself.

You can reconstruct your “after” by exploiting your pain, listening to your fears and the residual anger of all the injustices suffered, of those missed recognitions (…). You can rebuild the future by starting from your needs, listening to them and respecting them (and making them respected!). The reconstruction phase can mark the origin of your new life. It is a very precious opportunity to rediscover yourself. In this regard I strongly recommend you read my book «We get sick from love, we heal from love», an extremely introspective text, which will guide you to discover yourself and rebuild a magical and profound bond, the one with yourself. The bestselling book can be found in all bookstores or on Amazon, at this address. The title? “We get sick from love, we heal from love.”. Be careful, it is not a book for broken hearts, but you will discover this by reading it.

Author: Anna De Simone, psychologist expert in psychobiology
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